Provocative title, I know. Let me explain.
We all love a bad RPG more than a good one, that’s why FATAL is better known than FATE. I recently came across Dyson Logos attempting to get through chargen for a free, now-dead RPG called deadEarth. I had read about it over on TVTropes’ page for So Bad Its Horrible: Traditional Games, but very little information survives out there. And Dyson, taking a bullet for all of us, set out to make a character. And managed to succeed after two fatal attempts.
They were glorious, so I decided on a whim to try it myself. Thanks to a stroke of luck, a friend of mine had a hardcopy produced back when the game was still in active development. And I roped one of the regulars in my IRC channel, Kittoradra, into rolling some dice and witnessing the derp. Little did we realise the sheer horror we were about to create.
Because Radiations are the most fun part of the chargen, and take up roughly 100 pages of the book, I got Kitto’ to roll 4d1000 and see what we got.
(877) Seven deadly sins. Gain all off the deadly sins. Add (996) Pride, (901) Wrath, (829) Envy, (754) Lust, (700) Gluttony, (098) Avarice, and (015) Sloth to your list of radiations.
…okay, that’s pretty much the worst thing you can roll at the start. Apart from insta-death, of course. Shall we see what the other three are before we start adding in the seven deadly sin Radiations? We shall.
(202) Natural inability. Randomly determine one of your skills to be a natural inability.
Great, so he randomly sucks at something. Rolling on the skill list, we get Maths. Vital skill required for all virtually everything to do with sciences, and by that extension crafting and engineering.
(154) Light bending. You can make yourself almost transparent by bending the light around your body. +4D6 to hide and stealth while bending light as long as you are not wearing anything. The unfortunate side effect of light bending is that because you are bending the light around you, there is no light for you to see, so you will be temporarily blind. This ability lasts for D6 minutes.
Finally, something good. So our character can’t count for shit and has to walk around naked, but on the plus (?) side he can go invisible and blind at the same time.
(234) Toxic freedom. Poisons and noxious gasses no longer have an effect on you.
Another good one! He can wade through poison, naked, and invisible. Looks like he’s got an upside.
…Or he would, but we have to go back and add in all seven of those deadly sins now. Heh.
(996) Pride. Your prideful arrogance will be your end. You think you are better than everyone else, so you go around taunting people with your excellence. Anyone near you will be incited into a ﬁt of rage and will want to kill you. Your attacker will have automatic initiative, and an additional two moves, resiliency, and strength while in combat with you.
Yeah, he is so fucked. But he kinda’ deserves it, considering just how pathetic he’ll become by the end.
(901) Wrath. You believe it is your sworn duty to destroy anyone inferior to yourself. There is a 90% chance that you will attack anyone who is obviously uglier, less intelligent, less skilled, or less fortunate than you are. Add (233) Ashes to Ashes to your list of radiations.
Oh wow. And since he’s full of Pride, he’s automatically superior to everybody else. So if he doesn’t attack first (and he does 90% of the time) he’ll make them attack him. And what is that 233 Radiation?
(233) Ashes to ashes. You are now spiritually linked to people you enter combat with. If you kill them, you will also die.
Seriously? The first time he meets anybody, anybody at all, there will be a fight and he’ll die.
(829) Envy. You must have everything everyone else has. If they have it, you deserve it. Those you victimize will automatically have a sense of what you have done and who you are. If you are caught, your victims will always wish to punish you mercilessly.
So if he’s not attacking them out of pride or wrath, he’s an entitled bastard who has to steal everything they own.
(754) Lust. You have a weakness for sex; you must have it at all cost. You aren’t choosy about who you have sex with and you will rape if necessary. Add (500) aneurysm to your list of radiations.
So now he’s a rapist too? Of course! And watch out for that Aneurysm!
(500) Aneurysm. There is a very weak blood vessel in your brain. Every time you enter an intense situation or overexert yourself, roll a D6. If you roll one or six the vessel will burst and you will die on the spot.
So he has a 1/3 chance of dying whenever he does anything strenuous? You know, things like picking fights, stealing stuff, or all that raping he gets up to.
At this rate he won’t even last a minute. But hasn’t died yet!
(700) Gluttony. You eat, sleep, masturbate, etc. all too much. Add D6 x 10 to your weight, subtract 2 moves and 2 strength, and add (675) degradation, (461) resurgence, and (298) disgust to your list of radiations.
Don’t know why he would want to masturbate all the time, considering he has absolutely no problem with raping people. Really, that’s like walking to work when you’re a master car thief.
Just two more deadly sins, then we can get to work on the derived Radiations.
(098) Avarice. You always want more than what’s coming to you. What’s worse is that you will steal lie and cheat to get more even if you don’t deserve it. Add (175) Sweet Side of Death to your list of radiations.
That’s kinda’ implied by all his sense of entitlement, thievery, and rape. Last sin:
(015) Sloth. You are lazy and pathetic. Add D6 x 10 to your weight. You absolutely will not do anything for anyone other than yourself and only rarely will you do something for yourself. You sleep through most of your days and waste most of your life. If it weren’t for your comrades you would be dead already. Add (661) Staid to your list of radiations.
Oh goody, he’s not much of a threat at all. I haven’t seen personality paradoxes like this since FATAL. We rolled an extra 40 pounds of weight, so he’s fattening up beautifully.
(661) Staid. Your mind wanders toward the peace and tranquility of death. Roll your resolve just before you wake. You must beat an average (15) odds to wake up otherwise your life will drift to the serenity of death.
Amazing. Double Aneurysm. He’s so lazy that he has a chance to sleep himself to death rather then bother waking up.
The shit keeps stacking up, with no end in sight!
(175) Sweet side of death. From now on, when you encounter radiation, roll percentiles. If you roll 75% or under, you die. Not even (176) Retard can save you from the death effects of sweet side of death. You may not choose a radiation that removes sweet side of death from your list of radiations.
Nice. So even without all the other stuff he has the average life expectancy as those aliens in Signs. This entire setting is based around radiation!
(298) Disgust. The next time you see yourself in any kind of reﬂ ection, you will be disgusted with the way you look and kill yourself.
So assuming he wakes up, doesn’t convince anybody to kill him, and doesn’t encounter any radiation, he’ll kill himself as soon as he counters polished metal, water, or a mirror!
(461) Resurgence. For each cumulative radiation on your list, add another to your list of the same type.
We skipped this one, because we were on a run by this point.
(675) Degradation. Every D6 weeks your highest level skill will be reduced by D6, permanently.
And the final nail in the coffin. He’s already uselessly useless, but each week he’ll get worse in some way! But at least he didn’t die during chargen.
And so ends the story of Double Hitler, the only human being so horrible that even he couldn’t bare to keep living. Might go back and add in the rolling we did for Age, Resilency, and Moves. (Here’s a hint: Not good!)
Today’s Lesson: Dice are heartless monsters that will grind you into the dirt.